I guess I should start from the beginning. I remember being 9 years old when I first pulled. It may have been earlier than that but that is when my first memory is from. I was looking in the mirror and 1 particular hair on my head stood out to me for reasons I couldn't possibly explain and I just knew I had to pull it out. But it didn't stop there because that one just wasn't enough. I felt awful whilst I was doing it, but I couldn't stop and in an odd way I enjoyed it. This continued on until one day my mum was putting my hair in a pony tail and she noticed that there were lots of short hairs on the top of my head. She questioned me about it and I said nothing, but then she began watching me and caught me doing pulling hairs out and took me to see a doctor. The doctor looked at my mum lie she was stupid and basically said that it was just a phase and that was that. The word Trichotillomania was never used and was a word that I didn't hear until 12 years later. My mum was really upset by what I was doing and she was confused as she didn't know what to do so I began to try and do it secretly and told her I had stopped, but of course I hadn't. By the time I got to secondary school at age 11 I still had lots of stubbly hairs on top of my head and my parting was ever so slightly wider than it should've been but different side partings covered this quite well. My friends kind of knew that I pulled my hair out but it was never talked about. Flash forward even further to the age of 19. This was when the Trich took total hold and my parting was getting much balder, so I dyed my hair black and used black eyeshadow to cover that up. At this point I had just split up from my cheating partner and this is where is escalated to the point where on the top of my head, the size of the palm of your hand was 100% bald and I used an awful sticky black hairspray to cover it up. It looked ridiculous but I couldn't even think of wearing a wig at that time. That would look even more stupid I thought. So for 3-4 years I continued using the hairspray. This was only sold in one single shop so if I couldn't afford a new can or the shop was closed, I would stay at home and avoid going out until I could ask someone to pick some up for me. I would dread going out in either warm weather where the spray would run, or in the rain where the same would happen. It was a total nightmare. One day I decided to stop with the hairspray and just wear a beanie hat. Even through the summer. Because to every person walking past, I was just a person in a hat. That was all. In July 2012 I had a chat with my partner about it and decided to buy a wig after all. I close a medium/long red one and it looked great in the picture. It arrived a few days later, I tried it on, and my partner said it looked great. It took me a while to get used to it. To me it felt like I was wearing a huge sign saying "Look at me, yes it's a wig". I had several people tell me they liked my hair and I had to choose between saying thanks or telling them it was a wig. I opted for the latter and found it to be such a relief to be honest about it. I then decided that because the wigs got so hot and uncomfortable that I would shave my head. Shaving my head also meant a chance to break the habit. If the hair wasn't there, then I couldn't get at it right? Sadly not. I would tweeze as soon as any hair came through and when parts got long enough I was pulling them. I should say that my Trich has never been limited to just the hair on the head, but this is the main place I pull from and the one that has caused all the problems. After 2 years of constantly shaving my head, the problem is still there as much as it ever was and not only that, but only around 20% of the hair on top of my head grows back. The rest is permanently damaged which means I will now always have to wear wigs. There is no way on Earth that I would go without one. And that is a hard thought to process. The photo I uploaded yesterday actually makes it look better than it is. In the light its so much worse. I am thankful for my partner and my children because they love me no matter what I look like and my children have always been very understanding about it despite their young ages. My youngest son is only 2 and yet he doesn't bat an eyelid if one minute I have a wig on and the next I don't. I'm just mummy and that is something I will always be grateful for. I have tried to keep this short so it doesn't get too boring and I haven't gone in to the deeper things because I also don't want to make people feel miserable. I have shared this to not only help myself, it's great to get it off my chest, but to encourage others to speak up. You really aren't alone.
Leanne. x
Leanne. x